Drudging my Grudges

My best friend recently got engaged, and her engagement and overall story inspired me to blog for the first time in about 5 years (thanks to having 2 kids!) about what came up for me reminiscing on my own engagement/marriage.  Unfortunately, the topic of grudges came to mind given some recent soul-searching and personal growth.


Grudge comes from the now dead Middle English word "grutch," which meant "to complain or grumble."

There is a fine line between 'holding a grudge' and forgiving (but not forgetting) past  wrongs, as I recently learned when listening to a KERA Think podcast on Sophie Hannah's book "How to Hold a Grudge."  I realized recently that my fine line has been something I have not acknowledged exists nor is it something I've consciously considered.

So, what is my fine line?

Let's go back in time...

Waaaaaaaaay back in the day (we're talking 14-15 years ago), I was dating my husband.  I lived in Northern Virginia commuting to DC for work, and my boyfriend at the time lived and worked in Richmond (I did my best effort to find a job after graduation in the same town, but alas, that was not in the cards). 

We alternated weekends who would go to who's place to hang.  We had been dating almost 4 years (2 in college, 2 out) when we started talking marriage, rings, moving, etc.  He made it clear he was not going to move or switch jobs and DC was not for him.  I made it clear I was not moving or switching jobs unless we were engaged.  Friends started pressing the issue.  "Why don't you have a ring"  "If he loved you he would have proposed by now"  You know, all of the usual doubters who have an opinion on a relationship they're not even in.

Right around our 4-year anniversary, he surprised me in NoVA and proposed.   (Ironically, I was planning to break up with him if this wasn't going to happen and had planned to do so pretty much that same night.)  I said yes, and the rest should have been history.

Except, it wasn't.  Let's fast forward a few years...

I married him.  I found a job in Richmond, I gave up a job I loved, working for a company I loved, and I gave up the life I had made - friends and all - to start over in Richmond.  I moved in to HIS place, not one we had jointly moved into together.  For a long time, it didn't feel like I had any friends of my own that I hadn't met through my soon-to-be husband.  Our church was his, family hangouts were dominated by his extensive family.  Every time we met up anywhere, he would name where we were going and just assume I knew where that was (this was back in the days of Mapquest) and didn't understand why I just wouldn't magically know what he meant by "Boulevard".

Subconsciously, I kept score, but consciously, I had no awareness I was doing it.  My judgment:  I had given up so much I loved for 'us' and he had not.  He hadn't had to do anything for 'us' except buy a ring and tolerate my presence and my stuff in his townhouse. 

So, I kept score.  I didn't even realize I was keeping score but I was.

From the beginning, I have had an underlying resentment of what I gave up and what I have had to do "unsupported" since (orchestrate our house sale and move, grow and bear children, babies not sleeping, career growth, working mom mental load) that plays out in very subtle ways that are pervasive in our daily life.  One might say I recently became aware to a more realistic realization of our daily existence.

Every time he had a meeting after work vs. every time I did.

Every time he had an out of town conference vs. every time I did.

Every time he went out with friends vs. every time I did.

Every time I cleaned the house or did a chore vs. every time he did.

Every time he did something with just the kids vs. every time I did.

You get the picture.  I was keeping score on who was giving up more for 'us'.

It was eating away at our significant interactions, and exploding in some pretty dramatic ways that were unexpected.  For example, when he went to an all-day conference one Saturday  and our then 2-year old son had been relentlessly whiny all day.  I practically had a nervous breakdown when he came home and we had a huge fight on our front lawn.  Not our best moment.

 And then I realized something -- I was keeping score.

That simple realization, that ah-ha moment....didn't necessarily change everything, but definitely put things into perspective.  Another big ah-ha moment was hearing my boss describe his struggles with his wife when he was my age and his kids were my kids' ages.  "Ahhhh, you're at the age where each person in the relationship doesn't think the other is pulling their weight."

*And there you have it*

Needless to say, I have now realized what I was doing and also realized where we are in this stage of life.  We're both trying to survive and he likely has similar feelings about me.  I strive to not keep score and our kids are finally getting to the age where they're slightly more independent and the burden is not as great on one parent vs the other.

Here's to awareness and trying to overcome the shortfalls we know about!